At "A Note of Hope," I like to focus on the things that bring us joy throughout our health journeys, the things that ground us and bring us a sense of comfort when we need it most. One thing that brought me immense happiness during my lowest moments was Taylor Swift and her music.
I've been a Taylor fan since I was very young. I remember watching her in the Hannah Montana movie and thinking she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. In 2008, I would come home from school every day, sit at the family computer, plug my wired headphones into the speakers, and watch her music videos for hours. I remember watching her "Fearless" documentary on repeat, which chronicled her rise to stardom. I was inspired not just by her determination to fulfill her dreams but also by her kindness. Even at such a young age, I saw so much of myself in her, which made me feel proud. Having her as a role model for most of my life has played a significant role in shaping who I am today.
As I moved into high school, where it is easy to be ridiculed for every aspect of your life, Taylor and her music defined much of my teenage years. Thirteen years later, I still have friends from that time who associate Taylor with me and message me whenever they hear a Taylor song in public.
The first concert I was allowed to attend on my own, without adult supervision, was Taylor's Red Tour at the O2 Arena in 2014. Although dressing up for concerts is more common now, I remember saving up my pocket money with my friend to buy matching outfits: cat-printed tights, a black RaRa skirt, a red t-shirt (of course!), and the same cat ear headband Taylor wore in her "22" music video. I wish I still had the pictures, but unfortunately they are lost in time. However, the image will always be in my head.
During those earlier tours, one of the things I loved the most was how she would walk through the crowd to the second stage at the back of the venue to create an immersive experience even for fans who couldn’t get front-row seats. My friend and I were seated right next to this stage, and I burst into tears when she made eye contact with me while singing one of her acoustic songs. For Christmas that year, I received a red guitar, inspired by the one Taylor used during the tour. I took guitar lessons with a local teacher who had also worked with the band McFly (another one of my favorites!). For the next three years, I exclusively learned Taylor songs. In my teenage mind, I believed I had what it took to become the next Taylor Swift. Over those three years, I did get quite good, but I stopped during my GCSE exams right before I became unwell. Looking back, guitar was never really my passion, but writing, which Taylor also encouraged, is. It's one of the reasons I am writing this blog!
Recently, I made a TikTok that resonated with many people, inspiring them to recreate it with their own ideas. The video reflected the message we emphasise at 'A Note of Hope': although we have a chronic illness, we are so much more than just our health. Someone commented, asking, "What do you do when all you’ve become is your illness?."
As much as I would love to say that I have always been hopeful and positive throughout my journey, there were times when it was hard to focus on anything other than my suffering. I felt very low, isolated myself from friends, deprived myself of things that once brought me joy, and sank into a deep state of depression. The truth is, I didn’t want to feel happy—I was angry, bitter, and resentful about what had happened to me. Looking back now, I regret my mindset and realise how much more difficult I made things for myself. This is why I am so passionate about spreading hope through 'A Note of Hope'.
During this time, I also stopped listening to music. This coincided with Taylor Swift taking a break from music before returning with her 'Reputation' album. She once said, “Often times, what I’m going through, which I write about in my music, aligns with things that my fans are going through.” This was very true for me. As any Swiftie knows, 'Reputation' has a strong, powerful, and sometimes angry undertone, addressing those who mistreated her and damaged her reputation. As an 18-year-old girl sitting in a hospital ward, feeling resentful while watching my old friends move on with their lives, get into university, and feel happy, this album deeply resonated with me. It was the only music I listened to for most of those years.
When Taylor performed her "Reputation" shows at Wembley in the summer of 2018, I was in a hospital room with a view overlooking the stadium. Every night, I would sit by the huge glass windows that lined the wall of the ward, with the window cracked open as much as possible, and listen to the echoes of her performance. I remember hearing Robbie Williams join her on stage to sing 'Angels' together. I sobbed as I watched the fireworks and heard the screams of the crowd. I thought about my 13-year-old self at the Red Tour and how she would feel knowing this was what the future had in store for her. I would cry myself to sleep, thinking I would never get to experience anything like that again.
Thankfully, that wasn't the case. In 2019, I underwent what turned out to be a life-changing surgery that gave me so much of my life back. This coincided with Taylor’s Lover era, which again seemed to eerily reflect what I was going through. It inspired a lot of hope in me, especially during times when I struggled to keep pushing forward.
After my operation, I became seriously unwell with a severe infection that caused hallucinations, feverish sweats, and there were many moments when we questioned if I would pull through. My bed faced a plain wall clock, and I would watch each second tick by, searching for reasons to keep going. My life had become very small, and there wasn't much to hold onto. Of course, I thought about the usual things, such as taking my dog Amber for walks, spending time with my family, or going on holidays. But with the anticipation of Taylor’s new album coming out, I also clung to the hope of hearing it and the possibility of finally attending her Lover tour.
Though the Lover tour didn't happen due to the Covid pandemic, my dream came true a month ago when I attended The Era's Tour and Taylor Swift's first set of concerts in London since the Reputation shows I watched from the confines of a hospital bed 6 years ago. Coincidentally, this concert fell on the anniversary weekend of my life-changing surgery five years ago.
I went with a group of lovely girls I met through this project who have now become some of my closest friends. I know everyone says it about their show, but I think Wembley Night 3 might have been the best. Travis Kelce, Taylor Swift's swoon-worthy boyfriend, came on stage for the first time. We had Gracie Abrams join Taylor to sing their new song together during the acoustic set, and we were treated to the 1989 mash-up of dreams! I felt like I was 13 years old all over again. I screamed, I cried, I danced, and I sang my heart out. I honestly had the time of my life.
It was a full-circle moment that filled me with immense gratitude and joy. As I write this, I am profoundly thankful for a second chance at life, the opportunity to experience moments like this again, and for growing up in a world where role models like Taylor Swift exist - or the world (Taylor's Version)!
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